Aftermath

The last week has been rather strange as time has slowed to a crawl while I wait in anticipation for the first Amazon reviews to come out. This is way worse than anticipating Christmas as a child.

For a couple of days after publishing, I was in a complete daze; when I’d go on my daily walks, I’d aimlessly wander around the neighborhood, devoid of all thought. Letting go of something so precious to me, something I had been toiling over for so many years, was quite difficult because of my perfectionism issues. I was convinced that I’d released a book with gigantic mistakes in it, a book that I hadn’t checked carefully enough even though I’d meticulously read through it a million times. And so it was I was convinced that I’d let myself and everybody down.

However, an immense sense of peace pervaded my entire soul from top to bottom, and it wouldn’t allow that delusion to fester and grow. This was perfect peace, clean peace that seemed to infuse itself into my bones until I became Peace itself. Although I’ve always been religious and have often felt the calm presence of the Holy Spirit, I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. This feeling was straight from God: a message letting me know I had actually done a good job and all will be well. For someone like me who doesn’t take medication for serious mental health issues, experiencing peace of this sort was a complete miracle, and it could’ve only come from a divine source. After the extreme difficulties of the last year, I was so grateful for it; it stilled my mind into perfect stillness and all was well inside of me: there wasn’t anything to fear, nothing to feel animalistic terror over. I was utterly whole. For a few days. I couldn’t have asked for a bigger blessing than that.

I just want to take a moment to reflect on the writing of Marcuria’s End. It’s mind-boggling for me to consider how many hundreds of hours I poured into this book. Necessary hours since I had so much to learn about the craft. After I’d gotten started, I wanted to make sure I did it right the first time and put something out there of quality in the fantasy genre since so many novels within this genre aren’t very good. At one point, while I was working full-time, I was waking up at 3 am to work on the book before I’d leave to go to work at 7:30 am because I knew once I got home, there was no way I’d have the energy to be productive and to write like I knew I was capable of. This unfinished novel had already eaten away at me for years; I was so desperate to continue laboring over it that I was willing to do whatever it took. I dreaded being in the workplace then just as I do now because I feel like I am wasting my time when there is so much more that I can do. It doesn’t feel too good to waste away in data entry, to be kept prisoner in cubicle-hell, when there are some truly marvelous things that you can do with your talent.  

Completing Marcuria’s End was a miracle. My head is oftentimes a “no-man’s land” of clear, lucid thought, and my soul is often smothered by darkness to the point where it takes tremendous effort to just do anything, even the simplest tasks. When I’m like that, concentrating on anything is impossible: just watching TV or a movie is difficult during these times since I can’t follow the plot or anything that is happening. The last year has been extremely tough for me health-wise, except somehow I was able to tidy up the manuscript and publish it. I attribute all of this to God’s grace and mercy. Throughout the entire writing process, I spent a lot of time on my knees, and I was assisted greatly in so many ways that I won’t get into because I don’t want to sound like I’m boasting. And I hope I don’t sound whiney. I just want you to be able to better understand exactly what God has done for me, how He has boosted me and made it possible for me to do something like this. There were so many times when I felt too ill to write but I tried anyway, “falling into” a special place inside me where only light and a numb stillness reigns, and it was there that I would write strictly based off inspiration, without the interference of thought or “reason.” I am so grateful to God for what He’s done for me. I am proof that miracles do continue to occur in our day. Through Him, anything is possible.

Now that I’ve finished one book, I don’t feel satisfied in the least; I’m totally antsy to get back to work and prove myself again because the doubt I’m having is that I won’t ever be able to write at the same level as I did in Marcuria’s End. I can’t wait to prove doubt wrong. I wrote the first book in the face of such extreme opposition and adversity (on many levels that I won’t get into) that there is no way I can give up on myself now and relinquish confidence in my ability. I have to remind myself that I can “novel” really well, even when I’m feeling like garbage and completely scared out of my mind and caught up in the midst of nagging, soul-shriveling obsessions.

What I’m working on now

Marketing. Lots and lots of marketing and PR. Yes, it’s as gross as it sounds. A lot of boring stuff, but I also have some fun stuff planned, so stay tuned. What this book really needs right now in order to get some momentum going are reviews—LOTS of reviews on Amazon. Since I am out here on my own as a self-publisher, I must ask for your help during these initial baby-steps. Reviews are what makes everything tick on that site, and they are what makes a book visible to larger and larger audiences. The more reviews you get, the more your work will be seen. And let’s be perfectly honest: no one other than friends, family, acquaintances, and good Samaritans are going to buy a self-published book without reading any reviews for it first. This is why I need your help. Just one review will make a difference. Just one. An honest review. So, please do a bit of service after you finish reading Marcuria’s End and write up a quick review. These really don’t have to be long to be convincing. Much heartfelt thanks in advance.

Once the book gets those recommendations, I think that will get the train rolling. This is a novel that can really go places. It is strong enough. I do believe that this book can sell at least 10,000 copies. Accuse me of being crazy (and you would be right), but based on the excellent quality of the work, I don’t see why that number can’t be achieved. With your help and with your continued support, this can happen. You will see. J

I love you all for the support you’ve already shown. It has honestly been overwhelming, and your lovely comments have nearly reduced me to tears on several occasions. (I’m too numb for tears these days. I’m all dried out.) Thank you all. You truly are a blessing.